Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
