Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Operation Purity has been aborted
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
