I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
