felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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