you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
