I just cut my nipple shaving
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
