Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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