how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
