So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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