So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
