I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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