I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
