hotel room ftw
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
