I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
