Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
