Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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