I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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