he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
