I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
