She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
