Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
