Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
