I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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