just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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