Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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