I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
