Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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