I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
