I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
no you cant smoke seaweed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
