: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
