oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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