Screwed.edu
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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