Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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