seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
