I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
