He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
