someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
