this beer tastes like vomit already
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
