I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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