Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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