Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
