I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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