i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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