then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
