why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
