Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
