So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck me I smell like cheese
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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