the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
not ubering you a puppy
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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