i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
