dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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