Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
