I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
