mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
