I think I am morally bankrupt
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
