I'm pants shitting drunk right now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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