Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's official drugs can't kill me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
