she peed on how many people?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
