it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
